Online Dating (on both sides of the Atlantic)
Online Dating
(on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean)
I normally avoid discussing or sharing anything about my dating life publicly (namely through my Social Media accounts, Facebook and Instagram, because people I do not know personally have access to them). But I do share things about other parts of my life like my friends, educational and professional achievements, personal and political opinions, etc. To some degree I can attribute this to the fact that I am more of a private person that protects certain aspects of my personal life, like my family for instance. However, it is also largely due to the fact that I hail from at least two groups considered undesirable in U.S. (and other) societies: curvy/plus-size, Black woman (and beautiful to boot!). Because I know that these groups (and I) are considered unlovable because of socially constructed notions of (un)desirability, I feel hesitant to share anything about my love life for fear that I will be made fun of, judged or that people will not like it. Because Black and curvy, plus-size women are portrayed as undesirable, this can limit the dating pools of people that fall under these categories. I have read accounts on the blogosphere and internet of Black and/or plus-size women who use online dating to find love because it provides a greater opportunity. While this is true, online dating is a double-edged sword; like everywhere else on the internet it can be easily used by trolls to abuse users, especially women of color. I am taking the plunge and adding my perspective to the online library of women's stories about the ups and downs of online dating.
Today, in 2018, online dating is still somewhat of a taboo. There is a stigma around it that goes back to the question: why couldn't you find someone in real life? Why did you have to look online? I have heard of (and been part of) couples who meet online but tell their family and friends they met in another, more traditional setting out in the "real world." But as our lives move increasingly towards the digital age (especially for millennials that came of age with social media), online dating will become increasingly normalized. Being someone with marginalized identities that are treated as undesirable in real life can make being part of online dating even more difficult, compounding the stigma/taboo. This is why I hesitate to be open publicly about my dating life, online dating and love. However, individuals in every group of people in my society use online dating; I shouldn't hide because my ethnic group and body type have been declared unattractive and whatever else. In fact, studies conducted by different online dating sites like OkCupid and Are You Interested? prove that Black women are seen as the least desirable group online, having collectively received the fewest messages initiating conversation or responding. From what I gather, this data has only been collected on the online courting rituals of cisgender, heterosexual people of different ethnic groups; I would be interested to see how the data breaks down for the LGBTQIA+ community amongst others. Unfortunately, these studies have mirrored my experiences with online dating, in Los Angeles and more recently, in Britain where I am studying. A part of me expected (and hoped) that Britain would be an improvement on the U.S. in this aspect; I wasn't completely wrong. Other Black Americans that I have talked to here agree that Britain's race relations/racism is not nearly as charged and unpleasant as it is in the U.S. However, just below the surface there are striking parallels.
I first started online dating during my year off after college; as I explained in my blog post Post-Grad, I took a year off after college to move back home, relax, use my creative outlets and prepare for graduate school. I knew that most of my friends back home were still in school so I figured I would be exploring Los Angeles as an adult on my own. Plus, I was single, so why not try online dating? I could explore Los Angeles with some cute men and who knows, maybe even get to call one of them mine someday? The first dating site I tried was OkCupid: snapshot impressions, the endless swiping and matching was overwhelming. The site allows users to answer questions that lead to a compatibility percentage with your matches (for instance, 94% because you answered enough questions similarly). OkCupid was slow for me at first, even though I was swiping and matching away; that is because the men I was talking to were either not asking me out or not responding in the first place; this holds true for every dating site I've been on. I didn't have any racial preference and just swiped right on men based on their personality and perceived attractiveness; as much as a man's heart is the most important factor I believe physical attraction must exist for there to be chemistry. Nevertheless, I stuck with it and eventually went on dates with a number of men, only one of which led to a relationship. A downside of OkCupid and dating sites in general: in order to get to the good stuff I had to sift through a lot of trash. And by trash I mean assholes who would verbally and emotionally abuse me or sexually harass me (I have been sent a dick pic once, which is one time too many). Plenty of Fish (POF) is the most similar dating site to OkCupid that I have tried: the endless swiping and matching, men not asking me out or responding, men just looking for hook-ups and wasting their time trolling me and others through verbal abuse and harassment. While I was in LA I also tried the app Coffee Meets Bagel: this app had the opposite problem of OkCupid and POF in that you only get one "bagel" or potential match per day; I had a few good dates from it but the process was so slow that I eventually deleted it. After that I tried Soulswipe which is a dating app created for Black people to meet each other; however there are non-Black people on the app as well. Interestingly enough, my experience as a Black woman on Soulswipe was just like my experience on other dating sites: the majority of Black men would not ask me out or ignore me altogether. I went on a few good dates that ultimately didn't lead anywhere. *Edit: I recently tried CMB again and it has come a long way: instead of one bagel (potential date) per day the app now offers 9-15. I sometimes feel like I am drowning in matches, but this layout is much better for my mental health because it prevents me from becoming anxious and swiping endlessly throughout the day to find "the one."
When I first moved to Leeds, England I used the dating app Happn for about two weeks: I deleted it because I was overwhelmed with the large amount of matches I received that were mostly unresponsive and leading nowhere. The app is premised on a cool idea I think: your dating pool is based on people living in your area that you have "crossed paths" with or who have been in the same location as you. On second thought, this could become dangerous and aid a potential stalker; but not if you get lucky I guess. I was on the dating app Bumble for five months before taking a break: the idea of Bumble excited me because the app requires women to send the first message and if the man doesn't respond, the match disappears within 24 hours (again this description is heteronormative and I would be interested to hear the Bumble accounts of LGBTQIA+ people). This feature was created to weed out the trolls or men whose sole purpose in online dating (and possibly life?) is to waste women's time. I believe this worked in my favor because I did not receive the number of trolls I did on other sites (namely OKC and POF), however I was verbally/emotionally abused twice and Bumble is where I received the d-pic sadly. Unfortunately, using Bumble in Leeds I experienced the same thing I did on the dating sites I used while living in Los Angeles: I was getting a fair amount of matches but they were not asking me out on dates or responding at all for the most part. However, I did change one thing on Bumble in Leeds: this time around I had somewhat of a racial preference, giving priority to men of color over white men; this worked against me because Leeds is not nearly as diverse or as large as Los Angeles and on the site it appears that 95% of the men are white. In the five months I was on Bumble, I went on one bad date with a British man of color who was interested in me but I did not feel a spark or chemistry. When I reactivate Bumble, I will once again cease to have a racial preference and base my decisions on the personality and perceived attractiveness of individuals.
When I first started online dating and up until now, I see it as entertaining, exciting, and an adventure; who knows what will happen. However, when it comes to romance I think nothing can beat the magic, mystery and sheer cuteness of meeting someone in real life. Still, I firmly believe that all's well that end's well or that as long as the end product is the same, i.e. a couple that is in love, it doesn't matter how you met each other. As for whether I will find love online or in real life has yet to be determined, but I can't wait to find out.
Related: Social Media, Post-Grad, Plus-Size
I first started online dating during my year off after college; as I explained in my blog post Post-Grad, I took a year off after college to move back home, relax, use my creative outlets and prepare for graduate school. I knew that most of my friends back home were still in school so I figured I would be exploring Los Angeles as an adult on my own. Plus, I was single, so why not try online dating? I could explore Los Angeles with some cute men and who knows, maybe even get to call one of them mine someday? The first dating site I tried was OkCupid: snapshot impressions, the endless swiping and matching was overwhelming. The site allows users to answer questions that lead to a compatibility percentage with your matches (for instance, 94% because you answered enough questions similarly). OkCupid was slow for me at first, even though I was swiping and matching away; that is because the men I was talking to were either not asking me out or not responding in the first place; this holds true for every dating site I've been on. I didn't have any racial preference and just swiped right on men based on their personality and perceived attractiveness; as much as a man's heart is the most important factor I believe physical attraction must exist for there to be chemistry. Nevertheless, I stuck with it and eventually went on dates with a number of men, only one of which led to a relationship. A downside of OkCupid and dating sites in general: in order to get to the good stuff I had to sift through a lot of trash. And by trash I mean assholes who would verbally and emotionally abuse me or sexually harass me (I have been sent a dick pic once, which is one time too many). Plenty of Fish (POF) is the most similar dating site to OkCupid that I have tried: the endless swiping and matching, men not asking me out or responding, men just looking for hook-ups and wasting their time trolling me and others through verbal abuse and harassment. While I was in LA I also tried the app Coffee Meets Bagel: this app had the opposite problem of OkCupid and POF in that you only get one "bagel" or potential match per day; I had a few good dates from it but the process was so slow that I eventually deleted it. After that I tried Soulswipe which is a dating app created for Black people to meet each other; however there are non-Black people on the app as well. Interestingly enough, my experience as a Black woman on Soulswipe was just like my experience on other dating sites: the majority of Black men would not ask me out or ignore me altogether. I went on a few good dates that ultimately didn't lead anywhere. *Edit: I recently tried CMB again and it has come a long way: instead of one bagel (potential date) per day the app now offers 9-15. I sometimes feel like I am drowning in matches, but this layout is much better for my mental health because it prevents me from becoming anxious and swiping endlessly throughout the day to find "the one."
When I first moved to Leeds, England I used the dating app Happn for about two weeks: I deleted it because I was overwhelmed with the large amount of matches I received that were mostly unresponsive and leading nowhere. The app is premised on a cool idea I think: your dating pool is based on people living in your area that you have "crossed paths" with or who have been in the same location as you. On second thought, this could become dangerous and aid a potential stalker; but not if you get lucky I guess. I was on the dating app Bumble for five months before taking a break: the idea of Bumble excited me because the app requires women to send the first message and if the man doesn't respond, the match disappears within 24 hours (again this description is heteronormative and I would be interested to hear the Bumble accounts of LGBTQIA+ people). This feature was created to weed out the trolls or men whose sole purpose in online dating (and possibly life?) is to waste women's time. I believe this worked in my favor because I did not receive the number of trolls I did on other sites (namely OKC and POF), however I was verbally/emotionally abused twice and Bumble is where I received the d-pic sadly. Unfortunately, using Bumble in Leeds I experienced the same thing I did on the dating sites I used while living in Los Angeles: I was getting a fair amount of matches but they were not asking me out on dates or responding at all for the most part. However, I did change one thing on Bumble in Leeds: this time around I had somewhat of a racial preference, giving priority to men of color over white men; this worked against me because Leeds is not nearly as diverse or as large as Los Angeles and on the site it appears that 95% of the men are white. In the five months I was on Bumble, I went on one bad date with a British man of color who was interested in me but I did not feel a spark or chemistry. When I reactivate Bumble, I will once again cease to have a racial preference and base my decisions on the personality and perceived attractiveness of individuals.
When I first started online dating and up until now, I see it as entertaining, exciting, and an adventure; who knows what will happen. However, when it comes to romance I think nothing can beat the magic, mystery and sheer cuteness of meeting someone in real life. Still, I firmly believe that all's well that end's well or that as long as the end product is the same, i.e. a couple that is in love, it doesn't matter how you met each other. As for whether I will find love online or in real life has yet to be determined, but I can't wait to find out.
Related: Social Media, Post-Grad, Plus-Size
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